Lee Arendshorst

My Mental Health Journey

My mental health is a battle that I must fight each day, a disorder of the mind that will never go away. 

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder with mania and depression, I have even had psychosis but don’t get the wrong impression. It’s hard for me to share this the stigma is still real, and even after sharing this I’m not sure how I feel. 

I have come to realise over the years that I am stronger then I know, for every day i face this and always seem to grow. 

So during mental health month I thought that I would share, some of the story of my journey with those of you who care.

It started with the mania the fun I had with this, the happiness the love the world was full of bliss. 

The mania world is the most beautiful place that I have ever been, I wish I could feel this every day and show you what I have seen. 

I’ve never been this happy, or ever had so much fun, 

And all I’m literally doing is sitting in the sun. 

I turn my favourite music on and watch the world go by, it’s the best feeling I have ever had I’ve never been this high. 

I have so much energy I could do it all the time, I feel so creative and I even learnt to rhyme. 

I don’t even need to sleep I stay up all the night, and when I face the next day it’s full of happiness and light. 

But the mania doesn’t last long it’s gone before I know, and then I feel the crashing waves of a place that’s much more low. 

Another day of bipolar disorder a disorder of the mind another day I hope that people will be kind.

I woke up happy yesterday, but today I am stuck in bed. 

I’m working hard to manage the thoughts inside my head.

All the things I need to do seem very far away, depression really hit me so bed is where I’ll stay. 

I hate it when this happens i wish that I could hide, another day when life is just not on my side.

I have a lot of days like this feeling happy then feeling sad, a roll coaster of emotions, a good day and then a bad. 

I try to hide my feelings and wear a happy mask, but the sadness lies within me, i hope this day will pass. 

The happiness will come back not everyday is bad, some days are harder then others some days I just feel sad. 

It’s ok for me to feel like this, and please know I’ll be ok, I live with bipolar disorder every single day. 

A never ending journey of ups and downs ahead, so some days I just need to have a rest day in my bed. 

I try to feel my feelings and take all of them in, I feel a sense of closure and peace from deep within. 

I know these feelings well, I have them all the time, I wish I wouldn’t have them but I know that I’ll be just fine. 

Another day of life with a disorder of the mind. Another day I hope that people will just be kind. 

So the sadness comes and goes in waves crushing through my head. Another day with sadness, another day in bed.

But the sadness is not the worst place I have ever been, the psychosis is the worst that I have ever seen.

I’m lucky that I have always had the help that I have got, and there is no way to express how much it means a lot. 

I have never felt this low before and never felt so lost, I don’t know where my money went how much did all that cost. I’m not in your world anymore, I’m in my very own, a scary and freighting place that makes me feel like I’m alone.

I see my mental health team and to hospital I must go to get the right support to help me learn and grow. I’m well looked after by the specialists who care, and meet all of the people who similarities we share, it’s never an easy thing to do but I know it must be done, to get my life back on the tracks so I can have more fun. 

Why does this have to happen, all the chaos inside of  my mind, another day with bipolar where I hope people will be kind. 

So if you ever feel like this just know that it’s ok, there’s lots of people out there who feel like this each day.