Phoebe Wells

why

This October, I'm doing One Foot Forward for mental health, and I'm finally going to tell you why. I've spent a long time being vague about my mental health. Saying I've “struggled” or that I've “had a hard time.” But I've been through a lot. My mental health journey started when I was very young. I was being badly bullied. I remember coming home with handprint-sized bruises on my arms. I was scared and overwhelmed, and I didn't know how to ask for help. So I stopped eating. It started with breakfast, then school lunches. Food became how I dealt with stress. As I got older, that became a much bigger battle. I was later diagnosed with anorexia. I wanted to be small, skinny and pretty like the girls around me. I became terrified of gaining weight and sometimes made myself sick because I didn't want to get bigger. But looking back, I don't think that little girl really wanted to be skinny. I think she was scared and didn't know what else to do. Then came high school. When I was thirteen, I was sexually assaulted by someone who was meant to be family. I was also sexually assaulted by a classmate. At the same time, I was struggling badly with anxiety, depression and the pressure of school. I had panic attacks over assignments and exams. I cried during exams. I lost sleep because I was terrified of not getting good enough grades. I remember teachers seeing me having panic attacks and walking the other way. I wish someone had pulled me aside and asked me if I was okay. I wish someone had noticed that sometimes the disability is in your brain too. Maybe I didn't need someone to fix me. Maybe I just needed someone to notice. After I left school, things got darker. In 2023, I was severely depressed. I drank too much, partied too much, got into fights and ran away from home. I ended up in an abusive relationship where I experienced physical, emotional, mental and financial abuse. I lost friends. I wasn't eating. I lost myself. During that time, I was also sexually assaulted by a boss who abused his position of power. He locked me in a freezer room at the restaurant, forcibly kissed me and told me we were going to run away together. I quit. I couldn't bring myself to work for a couple of years. Eventually, I reached the darkest point of my life. In 2023, I tried to take my own life. I took a dangerous amount of medication and ended up in hospital. I was told that if I had gone to sleep instead of going to hospital, I would have died. I genuinely didn't want to be here anymore. I felt like I'd lost everything that made me who I was. I thought my sparkle was gone. But I need to tell you about Haylee. When I attempted to take my own life, my best friend showed up at the hospital. She didn't know what had happened. She just showed up. She sat in that waiting room. She stayed at my house. She cleaned it. She worked. She made sure we both ate. She was a freshly 19-year-old girl taking care of both of us while fighting her own battles. She was my fight when I had none. No matter what happens between us in the future, I will always remember that she showed up. Sometimes fighting for someone isn't fixing them. Sometimes it's just showing up. And sometimes showing up is everything. Afterwards, I went to New Zealand to be with my mum for her birthday. What was meant to be a visit turned into months away from Australia. It was scary. I was away from my friends, cut off from social media and away from everything familiar. But I was also forced to confront myself. I had to sit with everything that had happened. I had to learn how to stand on my own. Eventually, I moved away from Gladstone. That place held so much bullying, stigma and trauma for me that I felt like I'd always be a shadow of who I could have been there. So I left. And I started again. I fell in love. I started building a life that actually feels like mine. I'm chasing goals I once thought were completely out of reach. I'm creating a future I genuinely look forward to. I'm working towards dreams I never thought I'd get the chance to have. I exercise. I eat. I wear what I want. I love myself. And I have my sparkle back. The girl I was in 2023 could never have imagined this life. She couldn't have imagined how much I would grow. She couldn't have imagined how many things I'd accomplish. She couldn't have imagined that one day, I'd actually be excited about my future. I wish I could sit beside her and tell her: You're going to be okay. You're going to get there. You're beautiful. You're strong. Your heart is still good. No one took your sparkle. Because I'm not “fixed.” I still have anxiety. I still have depression. I still struggle with food. I still have bad days. Recovery isn't a straight line. You can be okay today and struggle again six months from now. That doesn't mean you've failed. Sometimes trying doesn't look impressive. Sometimes it looks like getting out of bed. Putting clean clothes on. Eating something. Brushing your teeth. And if that's all you managed today, you still tried. I wish someone had fought harder for me. Maybe I would have found help sooner. So now I want to fight for someone else. That's why I'm doing One Foot Forward. For the kid who doesn't know how to ask for help. For the teenager having panic attacks in an exam room. For the person terrified of food. For the person living with depression or anxiety. For the person who has experienced abuse or sexual assault. For the person grieving. For the person who feels like they're losing themselves. For the person who is still trying. I want people to get help before they reach the place I reached. I want people to know that needing help doesn't make them weak. I want people to know that you're never too broken to heal. You are allowed to heal. You are entitled to a good life. So this October, I'm putting one foot forward. For myself. For the people who are struggling. And for the people who haven't found their way back to themselves yet. If you can donate, please do. Your donation could help someone access mental health support sooner. Maybe it helps someone take their first step. Maybe it reaches someone before their darkest day. And if you can't donate, share this. Ask someone if they're okay. And when they answer, listen. Because sometimes the first step isn't walking. Sometimes it's simply saying: “I need help.” And I want a world where someone is there to say: “Okay. I'm here.” ❤️ I wish someone had fought harder for me. Maybe I would have found help sooner. So now I want to fight for someone else. One foot forward. One step at a time. Share