Why am i doing this.????
One of the hardest things is to write down why I am doing this.
For fear of being judged. But I know how the only way to break the stigma attached to mental health is to talk about it.
For as long as I can remember I have had to “deal” with my mental health.
I was diagnosed with Depression & anxiety at the young age of 17-18. I was put on antidepressants.
I had a a couple of stressful years those years, one of them ending me up in hospital and being at a dangerously low weight, I looked sickly.
Even at that age, I spoke to coulsellers and psychiatrists and always found it helped.
My 20’s were good, I stayed on my tablets, I had rough days, a great days. Nothing out of the “depression normal” (although there is no NORMAL for depression or anxiety).
I met my husband in 2010, we married in 2015 and also welcomed our first child in 2015.
That’s when I got post partum depression. I knew when I was pregnant that there maybe a chance but I was hoping it wouldn’t happpen, BUT it did. I was more the newborn tired, I had a brain fog that wouldn’t leave me alone, I didn’t enjoy anything at all, I loved my girl but I didn’t feel close to her, not the way I thought I should have …… that was hard for me, the expectations I had didn’t match what I was feeling and going through.
After reaching out to my doctor he changed my tablets, and I started to feel sort of normal again when she was about 5 months old. she’s now 11 and I hate that I felt that way, but I also know that it happens….. a lot.
I had my second child in 2018, I didn’t get post partum with her as bad, I sort of knew what to look out for and what to do to get help. My family was my life line.
In 2019 my husband broke both of his feet and spend a couple weeks in Brisbane hospital. I had a almost 4yr old & a 1.5yr old! That was hard, it was the first time I was away from them both for more then 2 nights. I went to Brisbane to see him while he had multiple surgery’s, I was there 5 nights without the kids, running on empty, worried about our situation, I was a stay at home mum, he was the worker.
He was in a wheel chair for 4 months, (my Memories a little hazy i was always in survival mode). He couldn’t work for 11 months. it was hard on him, he was mad and I could see him getting dark also.
This was when I upped my dosage as I knew it was getting to much for me.
It was hard for us all but we came through it. I just now feel bad for being in survival mode as a mum, not being present for the girls as much as I should have been. But survival mode, anxiety and depression will do that. It takes things from you, it changes little pieces of who you are.
in 2022, I was now 33! & pregnant with our surprise 3rd baby. Turned out to be our boy.
The last piece of the puzzle.
After I got home from the hospital. This was probably the worst I ever struggled, (one of the times anyways).
I started to feel, like I was mentally loosing it, like having a 3rd baby was a mistake, I can’t handle change, so it was a lot. I felt panicked all the time. This was only the first week home. I was also recovering from a csection.
I knew I needed more help when I started to feel like needed to run away or not physically be here …. I wasn’t so much thinking of suicide outright, but my thoughts were if I wasn’t here I wouldn’t feel like This. I never once had thoughts of hurting any of the kids, it was me. I was the problem, my brain was.
My husband was amazing. he took care
of everything. I slept alot! I think one day there I slept 10 hours, because when I would wake up I was still drained, I was frightened, I felt dread.
Like I said it takes alot from you, I missed his first bath, I missed a few things, makes me very sad to mention or talk about to this day.
I went to the doctors and he said I needed a iron infusion & having no iron in our bodies can add to depression and anxiety and horrible brain function.
After the infusion, I started to feel a little better. but it wasn’t everything, I knew I had to face my control problems & talk to a professional so I did.
After 2 months I started to feel better again.
Now it’s September 2026, and I feel great.
But in July this year I had what I call a mini nervous break down. Where I had been running on empty, putting myself last, running on survival mode and having so much going on the few months before July and then one day I woke up one day and felt DREAD. again. Like I did after I had my 3rd bub. by this time though after going through so much with my mental health I knew what to look out for and how to get help.
That don’t mean it wasn’t rough. I went to the hospital twice, on the 2nd trip I was prescribed Valium to help with the panic I was feeling, because that was causing me to feel erratic and like I needed to dissapear again. it helped.
What helped the most was talking to a psychologist and another iron infusion, actu taking care of myself before everyone else for once.
I’m good now. I’m happy, content.
I hate that I have this, but I don’t let it control me any more.
I HAVE depression,
I HAVE anxiety,
BUT I am still me. they are apart of me.
so that’s why I’m doing it. for me, for anyone who has felt how I’ve felt. For my family members who face mental health issues!!!! for anyone who does.
Your NOT alone! I promise you.
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