Megan Allison

The mental health wake up

22 years as a police officer has paid its toll on me. All was going well, until suddenly I wasn’t ok! During the last job I was on I remember feeling something snap inside me somewhere, I’d describe it like it was the last tether of rope holding me together breaking. Although I don’t remember recognising any of the other tethers breaking before the last one. I’ve heard others describe it being like my bucket filled up to the top and nothing else law could fit in there. I sat with the feeling of what I now believe to be anxiety for about 3 weeks, the constant churning in my chest like a machine that would not turn off, the racing thoughts about my workload and the flashbacks of what seemed like 100 jobs I’ve dealt with in the past and especially the most recent one, the urge to want to do everything perfectly, unable to physically rest or sleep and the sudden and persistent tears rolling down my face. At the time it seemed like these feelings were new to me, I told myself it’s normal, I’m on a big job right now this stress will pass as time goes on everything will be fine again. I kind of recognised the stress cause I had felt that before I knew I’d gotten through that before so I just expected the same thing to happen this time round. It was when the uncontrollable tears started that I think I realised that something wasn’t right. My last shift at work I knew I was really struggling, my plan was to have a few days off and hopefully it would all sort out. Only it didn’t, I had to reach out to a friend and tell them what I’d been going through, they saw me in a distressed state. “What would you tell someone to do if they came to you for help?” she said. Yep I knew, I had to go and speak to a professional. So that was the first step, I was smart enough to know the first steps I guess. Next I had to put my hand up and tell my boss I wasn’t ok and I needed time off work. 13 months later, I’m still not back at work! I did not expect that! I have learnt that this time to recover and heal my mental health is necessary. I have occupational PTSD with a side of burnout, anxiety and depression. Looking back to when I initially had my break down, I have come a long way. I still have my moments and triggers that will set my mental illness off again but I can see that I am gradually healing. The experts tell me this has occurred from an accumulation of traumatic jobs I’ve had to deal with - I agree, it totally makes sense right. But before I had this mental break down I thought I had no idea how effected I was. I thought I was going good, in fact I probably had one of the best years of my career leading up to it. Until all of a sudden! I say it like that because that’s how fast and dramatic life can upset you when you are hit with a mental illness. Anyways, as part of my medical treatment this year I have met and made new friends who also live with PTSD and some have lived with it for years, perhaps even most of their lives. I will recover eventually and I hope they will too, but I definately have a new understanding and appreciation for people who live with mental illness everyday. Most of the time no one else can see it or is aware of it but the person that’s living it can’t escape it, they certain see it and are aware of it. I think the bigger picture is looking after yourself, is looking after your mental health too. I want to purpose do these walks over the next month and think about that and focus on moving forward which starts with looking after myself now. Share