Nadia Pickering

"I still talk to you often Lick (Lissa) , sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, but most I think of you with so much love that's why your loss hurts soo much, you saw me so clearly that I never had a masks with you, you were the 1st person who truly made me feel seen and understood, you definitely knew me better than I knew myself.. I wish I had understood how the mirror works and that you seeing me was both a projection and a reflection of us both, you saw me clearly because we masked the same way... listening to Nina's words at the funeral and the systems she described were similar if not identical to the way I used those same systems.... And they worked until they don't and when mine failed I feel into addiction, and that numbing saved my life, it allowed me an escape from the internal pain and the stories I wasn't ready to go through to heal, and no I'm not advocating for anyone to turn to drug/substance abuse, because that's a hard road home to yourself on top of the trauma that was underneath but dissociated from since childhood bought to the surface by yet another failed relationship domestic violence abuse at the hands of yet another person who should not have harmed me, telling me that was love ... my diagnosis for CPTSD came just a few weeks after your passing as for the 2nd time all my systems failed.., I didn't not want to feel your loss, and the loss of so many of us.. your daughter & your family... but this time I was brave and I sat with each feeling as the came .. I wasn't going to numb you out and I wasn't going to relapse back into to addiction.. i wanted to feel every part of our friendship and every emotion i have for you... and will always come in waves and it always lands on love .. i wish we had more time together before you chose to exit.. i will love you for the rest of this lifetime and you better believe I'll find you in our next❤️😢💃